Why People Lie

We’ve all told lies. That’s the truth!

There have been times in all of our lives when we didn’t tell the truth in order to protect. What is commonly referred to as “Little White Lies”. Then of course, you have politicians. Who simply can’t seem to utter the truth no matter what. However, there are those regular folks among us who feel compelled to lie about things both small and large. Sometimes out of jealousy or revenge. Sometimes out of greed, anger, financial or social gain, to avoid some sort of punishment or even to cause someone else pain or punishment. Even to simply make themselves feel powerful. Never-the-less, it comes from a place of inner fear.

Most psychologist I have discussed this issue with tell me that “pathological liars” (which is a description, not a diagnosis) lie because they have very low self esteem. They feel the urge to control. People like this often are diagnosed as having “Antisocial Personality Disorder” also called a “Sociopath“. People like this can be dangerous. Not only to those around them, but to themselves. Liars often find themselves caught in an endless cycle of lying and then having to tell more lies to cover up. Yet, psychologist will tell you that once this level is achieved, the lying most often gets worse and easier to do with the passage of time.

Researchers state that we first learn to lie around the age of 4 or 5 years old. It’s an innocent game at first. We learn to use it as a tool to test the waters, manipulate to get what we want as children all quite unmaliciously. However, once a child becomes aware of the power of communication, the once innocent game becomes a weapon to help get us out of trouble. For example, by pointing the finger for the broken vase at our little siblings. It’s at that point, so young in our lives, that a connection is made in our brains and if the consequences of our actions are not swift and painful, we do it again.

In other words, “we learn that lying done skillfully can work”. Practice makes perfect as the saying goes, so we set out on a path of trial and error that left uninterrupted by more swift and painful consequences will only lead to more skillful lying. Skillful lying as a child soon becomes masterful deception as an adult. Some people lie so much and so often that it actually blurs the line between fact or reality their minds and the fiction they’ve created in their web of deceit.

Liars are usually very lonely people. The reason is a simple matter of trust. People eventually find them out and see their true colors for whom and what they really are and nearly always remove themselves from the situation.

Dr. Gail Saltz, an expert on the topic of lying explains it like this: “When a person lies, they have broken a bond – an unspoken agreement to treat others as we would like to be treated.  Serious deception often makes it impossible for us to trust another person again. Because the issue of trust is on the line, coming clean about the lie as soon as possible is the best way to mend fences.  If the truth only comes out once it is forced, repair of trust is far less likely. As a parent, the most important message you can send your children about lying is that you always — always — want them to come clean with you.  No matter how big a whopper they have told, remind them that you would always rather hear the truth, no matter how bad it is, than be deceived.”

How can you tell if someone is lying?

Well, there is no fool proof way that works 100% of the time, however here are some simple “Red Flags” to watch out for when you think you might be hearing a tall tail.

1.     Avoidance of eye contact: Usually someone makes eye contact at least half the time they are talking to you.  If you notice them avoiding eye contact or looking down during a specific part of a conversation, they may well be lying.

2.    Change of voice: A variation in pitch of voice or rate of speech can be a sign of lying.  So can lots of umms and ahhs.

3.    Body language. Turning your body away, covering your face or mouth, a lot of fidgeting of hands or legs can indicate deception.

4.    Contradicting yourself:. Making statements that just don’t hold together should make you suspicious. If you lie all the time, even about unimportant things, you are likely to have a problem that will eventually — if it hasn’t already — cause you real relationship, financial or legal troubles.

5. Vote for me: If they are running for office or come from a political family, you might want to be careful. I’m just say’n!  :)

What can I do if this is me?

If this is you…. Figuring out what is driving you to lie in the first place is the KEY. It will help begin the healing process of this very self-destructive behavior. This may mean going into treatment with a therapist to discover why you feel the need to deceive. Which takes strength and a lot of personal courage. The truth is, without professional help the problem is likely only to get worse. Which really only means more pain and internal suffering in your own life. Look at your past, because it’s the most profound way to predict your future without professional help.

Having a problem in your relationship with someone who lies?

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