What Makes Change So Difficult?

Guest Blogger Rick Zapf, MS.

You know when it comes to change, people become stuck and rightfully so! You have been doing something for quite some time now and had been successful. You may feel as an expert but more often than not our eyes are not open to just what we have gotten ourselves into. When I work with families, the difficulty arises in change by first in taking a step back and surveying what is happening. What ruts have developed in your family patterns? When you are living life – minute by minute – you do not give yourself the ability to do a self check. Frustrated parents say, “I just thought it could work again this time.” When I point out to families the brick wall they keep running into I ask, I plead –

STOP HURTING YOURSELF & YOUR FAMILY!

So I liken change to getting stuck in a ditch. Now granted growing up in Southern California there weren’t very many ditches to get stuck in, but here in wide open Texas, let’s just say there are plenty of opportunities. So what happens is your wheels start spinning, but you aren’t going anywhere. You look around in embarrassment to make sure nobody is looking and you try shifting in reverse. Nothing – the wheels just keep spinning. So out of desperation, you try drive again. As if somehow doing the same thing would work this time. You could try it slow, fast, turning the wheels, or banging on your head on steering wheel. STUCK IS STUCK. It isn’t until you get out of your car in the mud and mess, take a step back, survey the damage and difficulty, and then realize you need help. You call a tow truck — an expert. This expert can get you out of your stuck position with the tools and knowledge to fix your situation. And chances are they have helped others and can help you too. You just have to make the call.

So the first step of change is taking a step back from the situation. Sucking out the emotions, hurts, frustrations, or whatever it might be to move forward is needed. When a counselor is in training they teach us how not to react. We watch hours of video tapes to see just how we react with and without emotion. Parents often are too emotional to parenting their child, but by being able to step back helps to change your emotionality.

The second step is change. Yes, change is difficult. I love the scene from Disney’s “Lion King” when Rafiki tells Simba about change. Changing one’s own thoughts, actions, or beliefs are not easy. I explained it once to a person who questioned why people don’t just change. “Well, look at yourself. You aren’t willing to change.” I challenged her eye-to-eye. “Take off your clothes.” Her mouth went agape and she sputtered. “See, we all have a comfort level of what we are willing to do or say.” Our morals, convictions, thoughts, and history determine our actions. Unfortunately for parents, you are being challenged hourly because teens are just beginning to form these morals, convictions, and thoughts in their own world. Teen don’t have a long history, that they can remember. So as we all change, more leeway is needed for your teenager since they are just learning.

Also, be willing to change the new change that has just begun. Parents like life to be written in stone. Unfortunately, life with a teenager should be much more fluid. It should be able to change easily. If it is not working or doesn’t fit for your family, don’t keep making it worse. There is something that can work for your family. The definition of insane by Einstein was, “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”

Lastly, stop stressing! It seems fitting for this blog that change ends with stop stressing, but the better the attitude towards positive change you can have the better the outcome. Now don’t be all fake and insincere with your teenager because that will backfire in your face. If you want positive change to occur just say,
“Today, my life, my teenager are the best. Tomorrow is a new day.”
OR
“Why am I such a great communicating parent of a teenager?”

Come on, you can say it! Practice in front of a mirror and say it with warmth and mean it. If you can believe in yourself, believe in your teenager, and strive to make tomorrow a better day – what more is there to life? Stop stressing about would’ve, could’ve, or should’ve done and deal with the relationships at hand. Change today because you can! You are the adult! Make tomorrow a better place for you and your family. Stop stressing, start changing, and examine what in your life needs to change TODAY!

Remember, parenting a teenager doesn’t have to be difficult!

Rick Zapf, MS
Author, Family Therapist & Teen Communication Consultant
www.Z1Publications.com