The Healthy Self – Humility, Belief, and Control

By Guest Blogger:  Richard Zwolinski, LMHC, CASAC and C.R. Zwolinski

How we handle stress is due in large part to how healthy our sense of self is.  A healthy sense of self exhibits

• a balanced blend of humility and confidence
• a respect for others and  self-respect
  
• an awareness of one’s own strengths—and acknowledgment of one’s weaknesses
• resolve to accept what can’t be changed—with ourselves , others, and the world— as well as a dedication to improving oneself.

This is a tall order and no one is perfect. But it is essential that we all try to work on this balance if we are to have healthy relationships and a sense of meaning in our lives—two key factors in helping us cope with inevitable stress.

This is summed up nicely in our tradition. A wise teacher (Rabbi Bunim of Peshischa; 1765-1827) said everyone should have two pockets, each one containing a slip of paper. On the first slip should be written, “I am but dust and ashes”, and one the other, “The world was created for me.”

One of the failures of Western culture, especially some aspects of American culture, is that it encourages the belief in “the world was created for me” without encouraging the belief that we aren’t immortal or perfect, that is, “I am but dust and ashes”. Some of the weaknesses of the extreme adherence to what can be called the “self-esteem movement” are that success (of various kinds) is worshiped, failure is almost always re-labeled “success,” and one is taught to love and rely on self above all others—“trust your gut instincts”, “follow your heart,” “honor your feelings,” and so on. But what if your instincts are simply inaccurate or off-base? What if your heart leads you to indulge in unhealthy desires? What if your feelings demand that you hurt or negate others or focus on self to the exclusion of all else?

A total adherence to putting self first creates unrealistic expectations which lead to dissonance between the self and the outside reality, or in simpler terms, life. If I am so great, how come I…got sick? Failed to get into the college of my choice? Can’t sustain a relationship? Work hard but still can’t afford to take a vacation or buy a house?

There are very few options left. You can make peace with the fact that you aren’t perfect  and that not everything is within your power to change or you can  blame the outside world and make yourself out to be a victim, the opposite of what the “self-esteem movement” started out to do in the first place.

In order not breed a sense of entitlement, a healthy sense of self must necessarily be balanced with three key factors:

• Humility—the kind that combines a realistic sense of one’s own importance and a respect for others’ importance
• Belief— in a higher power than ourselves which leads us to temper self-reliance with a balanced view of our own importance
• Control—A realization that we can’t control everything that happens to us (easier said than done, for sure!), but that we can control our responses and take control of ourselves.

By achieving a sense of who we are and our place in the world, by accepting that what we want isn’t always what we get, and by strengthening our relationships with others we help tone down the stress.