By Guest Blogger: Rick Zapf, MS

I have to admit… I’ve been stressing way too much. When it comes down to it, I just can’t help it! I mean what else can I do? If this sounds like yourself you are not alone. I over stress too and even dropped the ball about writing this article. I was even going to change careers to change my stress. But guess what… the too much stressing didn’t change my future it only made me ill. It took me taking a step back from the chaos and realizing just what damage I was doing to myself. I had to practice what I preached.
So,
- Stop whatever you are doing long enough for a self check.
- Get others input to what they see or hear you doing.
- Inspect your life for yourself and be honest. Is this what I need or want?
- Ask for outside help if you can’t change within ONE week.

I often relate this story to help teens and their families understand the need for help. Frank was driving his car and suddenly swerved to miss an obstacle in the road. Frank was fortunate not to hit the obstacle and total the car, but now Frank drove the car off the road and into the ditch. Once Frank realized where he was he tried to put the car in reverse but the wheels only spun. Frank shifted into drive and the same. Frank was going nowhere it seemed. Frank even tried turning the wheel and still nothing. In  his frustration, Frank even yelled and screamed at his car to move – but nothing. Finally, Frank got out of the car and looked from the outside. From the outside in the muck and mud Frank saw his condition. The car had two flat tires. Frank then realized that he needed to call for a tow truck – to call for help! Frank couldn’t do it on his own, he needed an expert. Someone with experience and the knowledge to help. Remember, I’m here to help and I’m back!

Rick Zapf, MS is an author, speaker, and family therapist specializing in helping parents survive the teen and tween years. Join Rick at one of his many sites or reading his books at www.Z1Publications.com

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Now that the kids are back to school stress begins. As humans we strive on structure and going back to daily or weekly routines helps make life easier. I often hear from parents that are so pleased that “we go back to school in just a few weeks. We are all ready!” But as you reached the end of last school year there could have been frustrations. Look back at last year and look at where the stress occurred for you as a parent? Were you or your kids too involved? Did you or your kids have late season burn-out? Did frustration rule around the house? If so you need to change– Today!
To make a change first you as a parent needs to decide to change. Yes, you are changing your child’s schedule, but it is also your schedule too! So once you have decided to make your life easier it’s time to sit down with your teen and simplify your life. Does your teenager need to be involved in three extra-curricular activities? Are they asked to perform 7 days a week? It’s too much — Teenagers are not adults. As parents you felt the pressure of last year, now imagine your teenager– a child who can’t quite cope effectively with life. You need to give them a break. You need to brake too.
Simplify your life, schedule your family so your kids can learn to manage life. Schedule in some down time or mental health days. Look for the “fun stuff” that makes them smile because this should follow up the”unfun stuff.” Help your child establish a routine after school for homework, chores, and more down time. Remember, they have been “working” all day too! When they are doing their homework make sure they are only studying a maximum of 12-18 minutes. Then have them get up and move around for a minute or two and then start back for another 12-18 minutes. At the next break, give them 5-10 minute break for snack, texting, or moving around. Then back to the quick break (lather, rinse, repeat as needed). Oh yes I believe in not letting your teen study with their cell phone. But they can text during their breaks. More on that another time.

Once both of you have established a routine write it down. Agree to the new schedule. Sign the new schedule and post it. It is all about accountability to the other person. Parents don’t slack on the follow through even when your teenager whines like when they were three years old. The follow through is probably the most important of all. Hang in there and if you have questions just ask.

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I just started writing my calendar for the next three months. It should cause panic because there wasn’t enough lines for all the to-dos. But I’m not freaking out or having tunnel vision. My palms aren’t sweaty and my heart isn’t racing. My life should feel like a roller coaster right? No, I’m not on prescription medication. The focus has to change how I love with stress. It’s a challenge each and every day to balance life today. As I speak to families across America, families are struggling.

There are so many factors that we feel “have to make us happy.” And when we don’t have “it” then we are unhappy, stressed, anxious, and so much more. The best way I can related our lives is we want to live a movie of happiness. Instead, the focus needs to change. The focus needs to be in photographs of happiness. Snapshots of a particular instance that happiness occurred.

Then as you gather the photographs together to make an album of happiness you begin to realize just how many photographs you are having to work with. When you focus on the have not, the deficits, the short comings, the mistakes, the pain– how could you not feel anxious and stressed? Could you feel stressed looking through a photo album of just happiness or positives?

Now yes life will throw you challenges but in order for stress not to set in I need the glass to start half full and not half empty. So if you being to feel overwhelmed:

1. Take a minute to slow down. Life can be lived at 40 mph not at 140 mph.
2. Give yourself an end goal and reward– you deserve it for all your hard work.
3. Have someone who knows you look at your situation and then ask someone else (like a health professional) for an outside prospective.
4. Enjoy life– We don’t do it enough! Did you even watch the clouds float by today for a minute?

If you’re still not sure, go talk to a cancer survivor. I have found the best outlooks and wisdom from someone who treasures each and every photograph in their life.

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By Guest Blogger: Rick Zapf
How much do you love your teenager? We are called each day by the world religions to love each other but when it comes down to it how much do you love your teenager? I mean how much could you love them when your teenager shows up late for their curfew again? How much can you love when they put another dent in your car or are asking for more money? How much can you love them when they are doing things that you don’t approve of?

How well do you control your stress?

How do you show that stress to others?

Is today positive or negative?

Would you change today if it meant the future could be better?

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By Guest Blogger – Rick Zapf

“Welcome aboard Flight 222. As we prepare to take off, we will be showing you some of the safety features. Should a change in cabin pressure occur oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling – PUT YOUR MASK ON FIRST BEFORE HELPING THOSE AROUND YOU!”

If you have ever taken a flight in an airplane this message during the pre-flight is all too familiar. But as parents with young children or teenagers, we do not take care of ourselves first. I had a parent just today ask me again, “What can I do when I’m stressed out with my teenager’s behaviors and actions?” I smiled knowing she was a one glass a night red wine drinker – “What, one glass isn’t enough these days?”

But think about it, what did you do this last week or even today for yourself? Parents try to take care of everything and everybody else, but not themselves. Even I myself am guilty. In the other room is a perfectly good treadmill that hasn’t seen my feet for months. But what do you do for yourself? Sure, unwinding with a good television show might be tempting, but what is a healthier choice? What choices can you make that will give you some lasting change?

So let’s look at 5 ways to help…

Take a Non-Smoking Smoke Break.
The days of the workplace smoke break are gone, but think about it. Two to three times a day you would leave the stress and pressure of the job, change the environment, breath or drag on the smoke, hold for a second and then exhale. Hmm, does that sound familiar to all those who use deep breathing and meditation to relax (minus the cigarettes of course)? We don’t take time for ourselves and to de-stress. Try it today — in the office, car, bathroom, or bedroom. Teach it to your kids too!
Take the First Helping.
As a parent often our needs come last, mostly out of necessity. But psychologically it says something when you treat yourself because you are worth it. Without you, your world would not function. So instead of dishing a food helping to you last – do yours first! When kids homework is waiting, just take a minute for your own coffee break just for you. You are deserving of the best and the first today!
Enjoy a Relaxing Soak or Time Outside.
What do you do that you can feel a difference when you relax? Step outside and feel the warm sun energize you. Soak in a warm bath or jacuzzi and feel your muscles relax. Pamper yourself to a massage. Do something HEALTHY to relax your body.
Start a Positive Exceptions Journal.
Get yourself a small journal and at the end of each day write two things that occurred positive. It can be about yourself or from someone who affects you directly. It can be short but be descriptive. Then at the end of each week, circle just four (4) that stand out for the week. By the end of the month, you will have 16 positives that you can easily remember and probably would have forgotten. Consider it a book of blessing. It will make a difference.
Stop Stressing Now.
How fitting, right? Stop stressing over the small stuff. Life is too short to stress over little things that won’t matter 20 years from now. So when your teenager’s room isn’t picked up for the “umteenth” time, just let it go! You can address it (remember, no picking your battles from last month), but don’t stress over it – it’s done – move on.

So start today with these five ways to help you. You can do it because they are easy. So easy we don’t think about doing them. If you haven’t listened to the radio interview I did with Steven Diamond, click on it today. Remember, my special offer by signing up for my FREE Parenting Newsletter at www.Z1Publications.com you will receive my companion workbook for FREE.

Click Here To Listen To An Amazing Interview With Rick Zapf About How To Communicate With Your Teen!

Rick Zapf, MS
Teen Communication Consultant
www.Z1Publications.com

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Rick Zapf is an author, speaker, father, family therapist, and Teen Communication Consultant in Boerne, Texas. Rick has worked with teenagers and their families over the past decade helping parents and teenagers effectively navigate the teenage years. In 2009, Rick released “How to Get Your Teen to Listen: A Guidebook to Effective Communication and Parenting” and “How 2 Talk 2 Teens: A Workbook to Successful Communication” (2nd edition) to help parents better understand and communicate with their teenagers. Rick’s diverse background, use of technology, unique humor, and love of social networking gives him the chance to connect with teenagers on their level. Rick presents himself in an open and honest way that teenagers respond and truly listen to.

Teenagers need the continued support of parents and adults to help them during this awkward stage. Rick has encouraged parents to step-up to parenting their teenager. “When your teenager was an infant, you had to carry around a diaper bag to be ready for their needs. As they grew you thought they needed you less – THEY NEED MORE! Parenting a teen doesn’t have to be difficult!”. Instantly, I knew Rick was the right guy to cover this topic for StopStressingNow.Com.  So it’s with great pleasure that I introduce to you our newest guest blogger… Mr. Rick Zapf, MS

To Contact Rick, for more information or to download your free workbook Rick talks about in the show, please visit:
www.Z1Publications.com.

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Here’s another very informative post by StopStressingNow.Com

Guest Blogger Rick Zapf, MS.

“You see Rick, I pick my battles with my teenager. If I didn’t…”

Let me stop you right there! Raising a teenager is NOT – let me repeat – is NOT like picking what you want for lunch or what clothes you should wear for the day! Raising a teenager takes consistency. Unfortunately, parents today are spread too thin. Parents are having to juggle way too much in less and less time. But if you have this battle plan where you pick your parenting moments you are setting yourself up for defeat.

Consistency means if you make a rule or boundary, you follow through with the rewards and the consequences. Now, an important factor though in making the rule or boundary is your teenager has to be invested and involved. That’s what I love about family therapy – everyone is involved because everyone is affected. Teenagers have to feel invested in their outcomes or you will hear, “You still treat me like a child” or “when will you…” When I have asked teens about rules and boundaries they look at me – “I pretty much do what I want… I get away with murder… if my parents only knew.” I have worked quite extensively with families with teenagers to try something different. In “How to Get Your Teen to Listen: A Guidebook to Effective Communication and Parenting” I explain how teens respond better to positive praise and choices.

So who will live and die in your battles with your teenager?

Call a truce today and start anew!

Last time I challenged you to examine what was going wrong and change. Today, it is your opportunity to use something that works – Consistency. If you are consistent and your teenager knows it, the arguments and fights will lessen.

Now most of us couldn’t ever reach an Olympic standard, let alone win a gold medal. But parents today are setting the bar too high for teenagers today! If you are going to be consistent, then your expectations have to be acceptable. The more I read about adolescent brain development, the more I realize at times your teenager is more like an injured Olympian. The bar needs to be lowered again to make success happen.

It’s no fault of their own or yours, it just happens.

Teens need a helping hand even though they prefer to do it on their own. Their performance shouldn’t be driven by going solo, but rather how well you can do it together. But as the parent in the sideline coaching role cheer them on, help them through defeat, change their techniques, set aside time to practice, AND BE CONSISTENT!

Rick Zapf, MS
Teen Communication Consultant
www.Z1Publications.com

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Guest Blogger Rick Zapf, MS.

You know when it comes to change, people become stuck and rightfully so! You have been doing something for quite some time now and had been successful. You may feel as an expert but more often than not our eyes are not open to just what we have gotten ourselves into. When I work with families, the difficulty arises in change by first in taking a step back and surveying what is happening. What ruts have developed in your family patterns? When you are living life – minute by minute – you do not give yourself the ability to do a self check. Frustrated parents say, “I just thought it could work again this time.” When I point out to families the brick wall they keep running into I ask, I plead –

STOP HURTING YOURSELF & YOUR FAMILY!

So I liken change to getting stuck in a ditch. Now granted growing up in Southern California there weren’t very many ditches to get stuck in, but here in wide open Texas, let’s just say there are plenty of opportunities. So what happens is your wheels start spinning, but you aren’t going anywhere. You look around in embarrassment to make sure nobody is looking and you try shifting in reverse. Nothing – the wheels just keep spinning. So out of desperation, you try drive again. As if somehow doing the same thing would work this time. You could try it slow, fast, turning the wheels, or banging on your head on steering wheel. STUCK IS STUCK. It isn’t until you get out of your car in the mud and mess, take a step back, survey the damage and difficulty, and then realize you need help. You call a tow truck — an expert. This expert can get you out of your stuck position with the tools and knowledge to fix your situation. And chances are they have helped others and can help you too. You just have to make the call.

So the first step of change is taking a step back from the situation. Sucking out the emotions, hurts, frustrations, or whatever it might be to move forward is needed. When a counselor is in training they teach us how not to react. We watch hours of video tapes to see just how we react with and without emotion. Parents often are too emotional to parenting their child, but by being able to step back helps to change your emotionality.

The second step is change. Yes, change is difficult. I love the scene from Disney’s “Lion King” when Rafiki tells Simba about change. Changing one’s own thoughts, actions, or beliefs are not easy. I explained it once to a person who questioned why people don’t just change. “Well, look at yourself. You aren’t willing to change.” I challenged her eye-to-eye. “Take off your clothes.” Her mouth went agape and she sputtered. “See, we all have a comfort level of what we are willing to do or say.” Our morals, convictions, thoughts, and history determine our actions. Unfortunately for parents, you are being challenged hourly because teens are just beginning to form these morals, convictions, and thoughts in their own world. Teen don’t have a long history, that they can remember. So as we all change, more leeway is needed for your teenager since they are just learning.

Also, be willing to change the new change that has just begun. Parents like life to be written in stone. Unfortunately, life with a teenager should be much more fluid. It should be able to change easily. If it is not working or doesn’t fit for your family, don’t keep making it worse. There is something that can work for your family. The definition of insane by Einstein was, “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”

Lastly, stop stressing! It seems fitting for this blog that change ends with stop stressing, but the better the attitude towards positive change you can have the better the outcome. Now don’t be all fake and insincere with your teenager because that will backfire in your face. If you want positive change to occur just say,
“Today, my life, my teenager are the best. Tomorrow is a new day.”
OR
“Why am I such a great communicating parent of a teenager?”

Come on, you can say it! Practice in front of a mirror and say it with warmth and mean it. If you can believe in yourself, believe in your teenager, and strive to make tomorrow a better day – what more is there to life? Stop stressing about would’ve, could’ve, or should’ve done and deal with the relationships at hand. Change today because you can! You are the adult! Make tomorrow a better place for you and your family. Stop stressing, start changing, and examine what in your life needs to change TODAY!

Remember, parenting a teenager doesn’t have to be difficult!

Rick Zapf, MS
Author, Family Therapist & Teen Communication Consultant
www.Z1Publications.com

StopStressingNow.com - Connecting To Happiness!

Rick Zapf is an author, speaker, father, family therapist, and Teen Communication Consultant in Boerne, Texas. Rick has worked with teenagers and their families over the past decade helping parents and teenagers effectively navigate the teenage years. In 2009, Rick released “How to Get Your Teen to Listen: A Guidebook to Effective Communication and Parenting” and “How 2 Talk 2 Teens: A Workbook to Successful Communication” (2nd edition) to help parents better understand and communicate with their teenagers. Rick’s diverse background, use of technology, unique humor, and love of social networking gives him the chance to connect with teenagers on their level. Rick presents himself in an open and honest way that teenagers respond and truly listen to.

Teenagers need the continued support of parents and adults to help them during this awkward stage. Rick has encouraged parents to step-up to parenting their teenager. “When your teenager was an infant, you had to carry around a diaper bag to be ready for their needs. As they grew you thought they needed you less – THEY NEED MORE! Parenting a teen doesn’t have to be difficult!”. Instantly, I knew Rick was the right guy to cover this topic for StopStressingNow.Com.  So it’s with great pleasure that I introduce to you our newest guest blogger… Mr. Rick Zapf, MS.

What is it that you do Rick?

When I used to meet people in social settings almost ten years ago, people asked, “So, what do you do for a living?” Now of course I could have been humorous, but instead I looked them in the eyes and said, “I’m a Marriage and Family Therapist.” People responded the same, “Oh, I bet that is interesting.” But by the end of the night, I’d just be talking to my wife as I was avoided by the group. Was I really psychoanalyzing everybody I met? Could I know their secrets? It would have been a lot easier and less painful to say, “I’m in security and I can’t talk about it.”

Now, after a decade of working with families with teenagers, I have a quite different response and reaction from those I meet and talk with each day. Now, when someone asks, “So what do you do for a living?” I usually follow the question up with a newer question from me. “Would you relive your teenage years today?”

The resounding response is NO followed by a questioning look. “I’m a Teen Communication Consultant and author that helps parents and teenagers effectively navigate the teenage years with improved communication and parenting skills.” Most people smirk and now respond with “You must be busy.”

But over the last decade, I have been finding what makes teens tick and why parents are so afraid of these teenage years. I have had them in my office, via text, email, social media, and even video chat. I have used counseling techniques, worksheets, games, education, and much more to help both sides in these family wars. All because adolescence is thought to be difficult.
I’ve helped parents understand the facts of their teenagers and dispel the myths that were thought were truths. I’ve helped teens understand themselves, their friends, and their family better. All in an effort to decrease hostility, disagreements, fights, arguments, issues, problems, or whatever you want to call it.

The truth is both parents and teenagers need help! Over the last five years I have been developing resources for parents and teenagers. Just a few months ago, I released my book, “How to Get Your Teen to Listen: A Guidebook to Effective Communication and Parenting.”The early reviews have been astounding. I even developed a companion workbook, “How 2 Talk 2 Teens: A Workbook to Successful Communication” now in its 2nd edition. I’ve asked fathers especially to use the page “Teen Favorites” from the workbook to give fathers easier opportunities to communicate with their teenage daughters and sons. I have a bi-weekly blog and will be guest blogging here at StopStressingNow.com over the next year. I’ve also been writing articles for other media resources, talking on radio shows, and doing whatever I can to help parents and teenagers today. So what are your questions you might have? I would love to hear back from the many readers to help answer your questions on parenting teens.

Parenting a teenager doesn’t have to be difficult — tiresome yes, troublesome at time, but not difficult. If you change and use the resources available to you – parenting a teenager doesn’t have to be difficult.

Rick Zapf, MS
Author, Family Therapist & Teen Communication Consultantsm
www.Z1Publications.com

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