Shirley Cress Dudley

This year, 2010, blended and step-families will be the most common family in the United States.  Although this type of family is becoming more familiar to us, it’s still a source of tremendous stress on the parents in each of these homes.

When two adults marry and one or both adults bring children into the new marriage, it’s called a blended family or stepfamily.  The newlyweds also become a stepparent to the children of their new mate…and the stress begins.

Each member of this new family feels extra stress.  After a short ceremony, an “I do” and a quick kiss”- you have become a new unit, and yet everyone doesn’t feel like family.  There is jealousy, conflict, and competition among the kids and the adults.  Attempting to solve these conflicts, the adults make special efforts to appease the upset family members.

Disney Dads and Super Moms
Some men become “Disney dads.”  Here is a quick quiz to see if you’re a “Disney Dad:”
Do you get nervous when it’s time for your child(ren) to visit?
Do you want everything to be perfect and your child(ren) happy at all times?
Do you try to make wonderful plans, over the top, AMAZING activities each time they come over?
Do you ignore your spouse and other family members during the visit?
If you answered yes to at least two of these questions…then you’re a Disney Dad!

Is this a bad thing?  Well – yes and no.  It’s great that you love your kids- no problem with that.  It’s wonderful that you want to make your kids happy- that’s O.K. too.  But is it realistic that you’ll keep them happy ALL the time?  Nope.

Some women  try to become supermoms.  They try to please their husband, their children, their stepchildren, and anyone else that walks within their reach!  These women are in super drive- trying to make this new blended family unit perfect by making extra efforts to keep everyone happy at all times.

Impossible?  Definitely!

Unrealistic Hopes
You are worrying yourself into an impossible situation.  You can’t please your child(ren) all the time.  If you really want to do this, I recommend giving up your job, your blended family, friends, hobbies, and possibly sleep too- but I need to warn you- it won’t be enough. Kids sense this struggle, and they will whine and whine, scream for MORE- attempting to get you to “raise the bar” every weekend.  Will it ever satisfy them?  Of course not- but your kids don’t know this.

Less Stress = Happier Family
Your spouse is not going to be happy every minute of every day either. You can create a stronger marriage, though, by focusing your time on your marriage. Set aside time, daily, to spend quality time with your spouse- creating house rules for your new stepfamily, discussing the future, and creating goals.

Your children need love, belonging and recognition.  They want to know that you love them and they are an important part of your life.  How do you show them?  By including them in your life.

Take them on your errands.  Eat meals with your blended family, and involve them in family activities.  It’s O.K. to have some one-on-one time over the weekend, but that shouldn’t be your main focus.  Your child(ren) needs to see that they are a part of your family and part of your life.  Those of you who have remarried and have step kids living with you- it’s important to show your biological children that they “fit” in this family, and you want them to be a part of it.

Children want structure and leadership from you. It’s time to be their parent and not their friend.  They have friends, but they need to see some stability, structure and leadership from you.

It’s not time to eliminate discipline or instruction from you.  Your child wants to please you and have you proud of him/her.  By discussing your expectations with them, you are guiding them to be more responsible and continue becoming the best person they can be.

By creating a balance between blended family time, couple time, and biological parent/child time- your life will be more balanced and less stressed.  Life isn’t perfect, it really never was before, and it isn’t going to be perfect now that you’ve remarried.  Keep structure and balance in your life and you’ll be happier and healthier.

For more information, please visit Shirley’s website: www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com